When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
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Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
That’s not how days work.