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ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”