*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
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I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.