BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
LOL
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*