God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
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16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.