* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
reviewed some movies recently
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking