her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
You Might Also Like
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”