Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
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PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.