I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
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Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Did…did a minotaur write this
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726