he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
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The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?