It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
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Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.