Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
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My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
“How’s your day going?”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.