Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.