AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Who’s your best friend?
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.