JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
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Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Yup
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.