This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
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What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
never compromise your values
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
#gardening
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.