IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
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My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?