I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
You Might Also Like
Only Americans understand
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
My plans: 2020:
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Bit chilly again tonight.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?