Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real