My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
#Caturday
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
is this a warning or an offer?
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…