Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
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Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude