life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
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that lip filler tho
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home