I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
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Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”