What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
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Stonehinge
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?