[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”