Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
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How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung