Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
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The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.