god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
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Finally
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.