Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
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too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.