Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
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Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats