Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages