ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
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My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?