*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
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Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok