Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Me in tagged photos
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
AM I BEING GASLIT????
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.