Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
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You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
he looks great for his age
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
How to make infinite energy.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?