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4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
🤣🤣
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh