ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
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If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.