Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
i think we should see other cousins
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.