I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
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Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful