Cashiers are always checking me out
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Everyone’s family
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”