Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
You Might Also Like
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Flock of bats
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Bike for sale
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
men, we mow at sunrise.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER