Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
You Might Also Like
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep