I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
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[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I am yelling
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
LMAO.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.