Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
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I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Everyone’s family
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I did not eat the cake…
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.