I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
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If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?