How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
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how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
The French cow says MEUX…
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”