If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
You Might Also Like
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
At least my masseuse has my back.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.