Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I wanna be friends with this person
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies