They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
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I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
jesus christ confetti not now
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
What
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Tremendous stuff
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix