Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
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Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.